Disclaimer: This questionnaire is purely in the purpose of humour. You may not feel offended in any way after you read this.
1. A woman whispers "F#$k me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A telephone recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Screwing.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Your Blood test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of Man Utd's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300.Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) A Labour voter anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.
23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the condom?
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
27. You've just had the most amazing and satisfying sex of your entire life. What is the first thing you do?
a) Call your mates
b) Wake up.
c) Write a letter to Playboy Magazine
d) Call your wife and tell her you'll be home late
28. You consider sex quizzes such as this to be:
a) Puerile, idiotic - but fun.
b) Proof of your ideological superiority over craven would be surveyors such as myself.
c) Difficult to read.
d) Not quite as funny as a flu jab.
